Planned strike action


Saturday October 1st, 12:30pm

Arsenal @ 11/10
Spurs @ 12/5
Draw @ 11/4
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Sunday October 2nd, 2pm

Man City @ 1/3
Man Utd @ 7/1
Draw @ 9/2
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As the General Secretary of the Couch Sitting, Football Watching & Wine Drinking Union it is my solemn duty to announce that there will be an awful lot of striking going on in the Premier League this weekend.

This action shall be taking place as a consequence of all the elite, prolific strikers in the division – the absolute apex predators of the top flight – finally being available for selection.

The transfer window has closed, unexpected postponements have taken place, the international break is history – it’s now time for clubs to show solidarity with their strike-forces.

To add a brimming ladle of Hungarian paprika to the proceedings, three of the key clashes this weekend are also derbies: Arsenal v Spurs at 12:30pm on Saturday, Crystal Palace v Chelsea at 3pm later that day, and the Manchester Derby drops at 2pm on Sunday.

Erling Haaland hasn’t just got off to a good start this season, he has absolutely Road Runnered the opening bend – 11 Premier League goals registered in just 7 appearances – leaving the competition frantically flipping the pages of their ACME Striker instruction manuals, as the Norwegian hurtles off into the distance…

Despite some unanticipated draws, Pep Guardiola will be aware that this season’s schedule – due to the World Cup in Qatar – is going to feature heaps of games packed uncomfortably together; and, consequently, opposition teams will also begin to shed points in the coming months – as squads are rotated and forged into unwieldy, inchoate forms.

The likely title-winning ace up Pep’s sleeve – if even he needs it – is that Norway failed to qualify for FIFA’s Gulf Sports Stadium Expo in November and December.

So while Harry Kane and chums are toiling in unusually arid air for their respective nations, Erling Haaland’s physical exertion across the same period will likely consist of carrying bags of Christmas shopping from Lush to wherever he parked his snowmobile in the Trafford Centre car park.

A resurgent Manchester United will, however, provide Haaland with his biggest Premier League test to date – the fresh Varane/Martinez defensive axis has not been in a gift-giving mood of late.

With 6 goals already by his name, the famously slow-starting Harry Kane is probably feeling fairly content with life ahead of the North London Derby.  Only a point separates the high-flying sides, and Kane will be keeping a close eye on opposing striker Gabriel Jesus, who has shown signs that his stock could continue to rise steadily over the course of the campaign.

Harry Kane is always going to be interested in scoring goals, but I wonder if his priority is this season’s golden boot, or conquering Wayne Rooney’s all time Premier League goals tally?  Before he takes a deep breath and embarks on the lonely, daunting ascent up Mt. Shearer…

And what of the other elite strikers in the division?  Wither Darwin Núñez, as his disrupted start to the season dovetails with another possible Jürgen Klopp Seven Year Ditch™?  Could his goal for Uruguay in midweek instigate a necessary frontline evolution?

Wither Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang?  The Gabonese hitman arrived at Stamford Bridge just in time to see his former mentor, Thomas Tuchel, quickly and unceremoniously reshuffled out to the park-benches.

But what on earth is Potter-ball?  And does it utilise a striker in the mould of Aubameyang?  Or will the home-grown and highly-regarded Armando Broja be anointed as the focal point?

And, finally, what of the most prolific striker in the division?  The one with more career goals and accolades than anyone else?  Wither CR7?

With a big, shiny 0 in his goals column so far, only a handful on minutes on the pitch – and even his place in the Portuguese national team under threat – what does he do next?  Sulk, or take a stand and go on strike?

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